It's like Alice and her looking glass. Everything is so fucked up that it can't be real, not when the alternative worked so well.

I'm like Peter Pan only instead of gaining lost boys, I am the one who has lost them.

She is Pinnochio except that her nose doesn't grow bigger, her fear does.

He is the worst of the worst, the boogeyman, the snake in a tree that can make me cower in fear and lose all sense of what is rational.

My childhood is catching up with me again... it's too easy to swept away by nostalgia lately. 

 

I had faith once, not even that long ago. Faith that you could find a love, and raise a family well. My model, my ideal family is broken now; has been for a while I guess. I don't believe it yet, i don't believe that i will never again walk into that house and hear my brother play his music while his children dance or drum. I cant believe that she will never be there again with her gentle smile and comforting words. The atmosphere of love and creativity and happiness was apparently a sham, never real. Can't believe it, won't believe it.

 

I hope that they know we love them, I hope that when they grow up they know us, or if they dont that they will want to know us. I hope that i will                                                                                                                  get to see them soon.

Tags: children, divorce, family, loss, love

4 weeks and 4 days. I dread, and loath these days because I know that they will stretch on and on. 
4 weeks and 4 days. I love, and treasure these days because I know that they will never happen again, and that when they are done I will cry for each of them, and for each person contained in them.
4 weeks and 4 days to get my fill of everything that makes home, home.
4 weeks and 4 days to prepare for and remember everything that Berlin is and has to offer
4 weeks and 4 days to cement growing friendships.
4 weeks and 4 days to say good-bye.


 

Tags: cities, friends, future, growing, home, learning, love, moving, past, present, time
Current Mood: awake
Current Music: Modest Mouse- 3rd Planet

A Room
 A wood panneled room, with aged 70's carpet on the ground so you don't have to worry about spilling drinks or ashing cigarettes. Though I would prefer if you don't smoke inside please. Inside the room you will find guitars and keyboards and banjos and accordions, possibly maybe even a drum kit and a bass. The walls are thick and soundproof so you can play late into the night, anyone is welcome at anytime day or night, someone will be up. Lining the walls are books and vinyl and cd's a house collective. No one knows exactly whose is whose, but no one particularly cares because this house will last forever, these moments will last forever. Polaroid pictures of pic-nics in fields, and bike rides through the park decorate the remaining space. You can never get bored in that room because the memories are so close you can touch them.
A house
There will be a porch, maybe two. One off the back, and one off the front. Two or three steps to the porch, a couch to sit on with ash trays made from old tin cans, a lamp plugged in so you can sit and read at night and a blanket tossed over the edge recently used at the last clear night. The Vague sound of music hits your ears before you even enter the house. Once you enter you feel the warmth surround you, the warmth created by people who are kind and genuine and who have good intentions. It is a safe place, one where you can drink casually, smoke pot or cigarettes freely, and have good food, conversation and music around you, not to mention good people. Big parties are a thing of the past here, small get togethers with sing-a-longs and pot-luchs are our new fun. The bedroom doors are always open, unless by chance a room is too messy, and even then its strange to find a closed door, in a house so full of open people. The back has a yard, mostly unkempt, with a few vegetables growing sporadically, a failed attempt at a garden that fought back. There is an apple tree and lots of lawn chairs dispersed in the best places to see the stars.
A job
Possibly a teacher, highschool, literature maybe? Everyday you are excited to go to your class and challenge your students, there is no way you can get mad at the kids who skip, or dont do homework, especially those who show potential just like you did. You know how being a teenager is so you put up with them and feel like you have succeeded if even for a moment they show excitement for learning about the history and the meaning behind the story, if only once they put forth an original thought, a different perspective on the story. Its a job where you continue to learn as the meaning behind books change as the kids change and the world changes. You have spare time in the evenings to write your own novel, poem, song. Time to enjoy your home, your life, your friends, your family.
A family
Love. Creativity. Peacefulness. Contentment. Happiness.

Tags: dreams, family, friends, friendship, future, learning, life, literature, love, music, passion, teaching, work

its been a while, but really no time has passed... im still in that aweful place, the one where seeing you makes me hurt because im so confused. I could swear you feel the same. When you look at me, when we talk. But what do i know, i mean it has been a while, so really, i could just be imagining these things...

what do you say to a person you cant forgive. how do you seperate yourself from them without hurting them. I am writing one of the hardest emails i have ever had to write, i am lying and everyword i type is slowly stealing a little peice of me. i dont know how much longer i can keep this up, how much longer i can keep him in my life so that i dont hurt him when it is killing me. i have a life's worth of healing to do, a life's worth of hurtful words and anger.
how do you escape someone who is supposed to be in your life forever?

Tags: anger, assholes, childhood, confusion, family, pain

I wish I had the courage to leave all my possesions behind. To just leave and go by foot, walk through canada. Meet random strangers who become closer than family because any connection when you are travelling like that means so much more. It has all kind of made sense why people arent as healthy or happy any more. Things can only thrive when they have sunlight and clean air and fresh water, we live in concrete deserts. Things dont grow on sidewalks, people cant grow or change in these surroundings.

Maybe one day I will just leave, maybe i will truly learn to find happiness in an apple, to throw away inhibitions and just talk to people who i have never met.

I used to have so many dreams, so much i wanted to attain. Since I have gotten back though I seem to have lost that. I have lost that want and need for more. I know it will come back, but really I just wish it would hurry up because I dont know how much longer I can keep up with not caring. Its tiring and overwhelming and disheartening. I just wish I could go back to Europe and see more, I wasn't ready to come home.

I want to start my own life, to move out, to deal with grown up issues like buying toilet paper and coffee.  Is it wrong to want to be on my own? Should she feel offended that I would rather spend money living with three boys then to live here with her? In the end it isnt even about her, its about me. Its about growing up and having the experience of living on my own. I just dont know what to do anymore, I dont know how to make her happy, how not to offend her. It has never been this way and I am going crazy trying to fix it.

One day I will be free from living everyone else's life, one day I will live my own life, make my own decissions.

Tags: friends, growing up, home, house, life, mothers, toilet paper
Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Bat For Lashes

I thought this was what I wanted. I thought that being home would relieve the stress of not knowing, of always moving, of slowly losing all my money, of not having people who truly care about you, but I can't sleep here. My bed feels hard and too hot to lie in. I was gone, and so much happened, so many things that I had to deal with alone. It's changed me, but I dont think people understand how much you can change in two months, one week, one night. I missed everyone so much I can't describe, and I love that I can see them and talk to them, but in the end thats all, its still the same as before. I feel like after living two months on my own, being somewhat of an adult I am now back in highschool. Back to being self conscious, back to worrying about the drama, back to answering to people. I dont like it, I need to get out again, I just dont know where to go.